Focus on Meaghan
Life Was Just Beginning
My life was just beginning. I had finished high school and was enjoying my time partying and celebrating with friends before I began college. I was young, carefree and doing all the wrong things that felt so right.
Too Selfish To Care
I found out In July that I was pregnant. I knew who the father was, but just knew what his reaction would be if I told him. So I didn't. In fact I didn't tell anybody at all, I just kept living. I drank away my summer I smoked, used marijuana regularly, and ignored every change happening in my body - I just could not face it - I was too selfish to care.
A Wake Up Call
March 14 I received a wake up call from up above. On my way to my morning English class I pushed the slight twinges I was feeling out of my mind, ignoring the kicking and hiccupping of the baby in my belly. Suddenly I felt as though I had peed in my pants and as I looked down I saw a stream of water. As I tried to run back to my dorms, the twinges that I had earlier tried to push away grew increasingly stronger and I collapsed out of exhaustion and pain on the lawn in front of my dorm building. The details are sketchy but I remember the ambulance ride, and my best friend Katie by my side. After 4.5 hours of pushing, my little boy Alexander was born. What a wake-up call to me.
I wish that I could say that Alex was a healthy thriving pink little baby - but he wasn't. Alexander was born near full-term, but because of my selfishness weighed in at a mere 4 pounds 8 ounces, Alex was born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Aside from his small birth weight my baby was born with 10 tiny toes, but only 8 tiny fingers, all of which were webbed. Surgery has corrected the webbing but Alex still only has 3 fingers on his right hand, as well as some minor facial deformities and he will never "appear normal". But that was still not the biggest concern. Because of the extent to which I partied and drank, little Alex was born with severe brain defects - Mentally handicapped to say the least and I caused it.
The Blame Game
After Alex was born and the doctors began to see the effects that my partying had taken on him, I withdrew. I wanted to change and stop but I felt guilty, inadequate and just terrible for allowing the damage to happen to my son that I did. When Alex came home from the hospital we went to live with my mom and soon I was back to my old ways, drinking, drugs, and staying out all night long. Suddenly one day I came home after being gone for 4 days to the locks changed and a note on the door. My mom had taken control of Alex and kicked me out. When I was ready to accept responsibility and grow up I was more than welcome to return home, but not until I was ready.
Reality Check
By the time that Alex was 9 months old I was living on the streets, half dead, waiting for the next kind person to drop some change so I could get some more to drink, or smoke. I was being eaten alive by guilt, wanting to change, yet still unwilling. If I had been left another few days I would be dead now, but I wasn't and I'm not.
One day a kind soul took my hand and helped me up, she lead me to a hotel, paid for a room for 3 days, gave me clothes to wear, food to eat. At first I was skeptical but then she explained. She had heard about me threw others she had helped. She had once been in a similar situation and was once in an identical place in her life. After talking to me, she set me up with a therapist and left me on my own. That was the only time I spoke with her. I did what she had suggested, I talked with the therapist, and after many sessions, getting and holding down a job for 8 months, and alot of self improvement, my mother welcomed me home to visit my boy.
Our Current Situation
Alex is now almost 4 years old although his mental capacity is only that of an 18 month old, he is the light of my life. The woman who helped me on the street was my angel. It was her that made me realise what I was missing and although Alex is not "normal", he is my boy, and I love that little boy more than life itself. My life is different now. I work hard to support Alex and myself, we still live with my mom, but only because she wants us to, not because we have to. Thank you mom, because without you, who knows where Alex would be, where I would be.