Focus on Lou Lou
I guess it would be easier to start from the beginning...
I met my sons father, (lets call him R for privacy reasons) when I was 15. At this point in my life I was suffering severely from depression, I self harmed - cutting myself badly on a day to day basis - I wouldn't eat or I would make myself sick on occasion. R showed me a fair bit of attention, something I wasn't used to. I was shy, hard working and generally no trouble so mostly I was just left to myself. Despite the fact I knew R was a "ladies man" I was really into him, his arrogance was probably part of the appeal back then. Just after I turned 16 I started going out with him and we started sleeping together. I remember my exact thoughts being "huh....if i don't sleep with him, he will leave me"
I was just craving the attention...
After 4 months of being together he broke up with me...3 weeks later we started sleeping together again. At the time I was just craving the attention. I was a mess and just wanted to be loved...or as close to love as I could get. We didn't use protection and to be honest the thought of pregnancy never crossed my mind...ever!
We continued to sleep together, it even got to the point where it was as if we were a couple again, despite the fact he was still seeing other girls.
Crashing
I was crashing, getting more and more depressed, cutting worse and eventually, on April 23rd 2004, when I was 17 I attempted suicide. Nothing serious happened to me which I am now thankful for but at that point in my life I just lost it and didn't think about what I was doing anymore.
Just a little over a month later I fell pregnant.
My skipped period didn't bother me. I assumed it was my mental state and the stess of taking my A Levels at school. I continued drinking, smoking weed and cutting until I skipped my second period and realised that it couldn't be my exams since they were over. I took a pregnancy test on July 5th 2004 - just after turning 18 - to find out I was pregnant.
I could almost picture the little fetus in my uterus...
I was shocked and burst into tears. I had only taken the test to rule out the possibilty of pregnancy, it just didn't occur to me that I could be pregnant.
In a way I think I must have known deep down. I spent my last £10 on the test and as I waited for the results I could almost picture the little fetus in my uterus...but the shock was still overwelming.
I told a few close friends before I told R, three days later. His reaction? Well, he just sat there opened mouthed, sparked up a joint and told me he'd support me "no matter what."
Support
I told my mum after I had my 12 week scan. I was techincally 11 weeks and 5 days. She reacted really well, told me she would support me and seemed almost excited that she would be having a grandchild. My Dad was a little less happy about it, but still supportive.
I got a job, the only job I could get, a part time reception job which I worked until my actual due date on 18th February 2005. Kye arrived 9 days later weighing 8lbs 2oz born on the 27th Feb at 02:20am after 9 hours of labour.
Learning to Love
I didn't fall in love with him straight away, it took me several months. The moment I found out I was pregnant I had just shut down all emotion and had literally just "functioned" in order to get things sorted for my baby.
R was not helpful at all during my pregnancy, labour or afterwards. Although present, he was putting weed before me and his child and was not working at all. During my pregnancy he had told me he loved me and had told people I was his girlfriend...but after Kye was born he left me for another girl and just 'forgot' to tell me about it. I found out by reading messages on his phone. He still sees Kye on Sundays and occasionally during the week but its been a struggle.
Where we are now...
Now, I am much better. When Kye was about 7 months old I flipped back to binge-purging a lot worse than I used to, but that is now under control. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I quit smoking, drugs, drinking, cutting and suppressed my depression. One minute I was suicidal, next I was a mother. I have not been suicidal since.
I am now at college studying for a Diploma in Childcare. I couldn't work after Kye was born as there was no help with childcare. The college help me out with that now. My mother had asked me to leave just before I began college and am staying with my Dad in the spare room until I can get council housing. My mum and I still talk and she still sees Kye.
Although I am not fully recovered from my depression, I realise I have more to live for now and am only relapsing into self harm very occasionally. I have not touched drugs since I found out about Kye...which is more I can say for his father. Having Kye also made me realise what I was involved with when it came to R and was able to get over him and move on.
Kye will be turning 2 next month and is a bright, bubbly boy full of life and expression.
Things have been better ever since Kye's existence. Despite having my child unprepared and at a young age, I have no regrets.
Having Kye literally saved my life. If I had not fallen pregnant I would most certainly be dead.